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Seeing Andi last night re-opened a pretty big wound for me.

You know, I’ve denied it until I turned blue in the face. I warped other peoples words, I played grab-ass with semantics to prove that I wasn’t really in love with her, but right now – today – I think maybe I actually am. Yeah, maybe I am in love with her. I don’t know, maybe I’m just confusing a mesh of other emotions, some of which probably don’t even involve her, because I never really sat down and let this side of me get any play in my head. Between all the failed relationships, the abusive mothers, the neglectful father, the friends who let me down, I just reprogrammed myself to depend solely on me and keep all that shit away from the core. I’m not good with feelings involving other people; I prefer not to have them. Even though I attribute a lot of my actions lately (See: Three Step Life Zones) to building a better world for my children, I never really sat down and imagined what it would be like having them. Come to think of it, I reckon I thought I adopted them or something, because I don’t even have a mental image of who would carry em’.

So, I sit here – and I make all these plans to build a platform to which to be a great provider and a leader for my family and community, I bust my ass to try and get my tribal community out of the slums and to make sure that by 25 I’ll be as financially stable as my dad is right this minute, and yet I completely ignore the underlining flaw in my logic; got to find a girl first.

I’m different from you guys. I don’t think about pussy like it’s some pleasure palace, where cooter is down every street and every stop has a different flavor and style; the exploration of that side just doesn’t interest me. I’ve always wanted to have a relationship; A mature, honest-to-goodness relationship with a girl that I was crazy about. But, the pressure of failing at that, probably due to my not ever being around sane and decent women folk during my developmental stages, has left me standing on the sidelines while the rest of my demographic is doing something I don’t really understand.

Don’t get me wrong – fucking whores, sounds fun – hell, I did it for a while; but I’m 21, and while the rest of my friends share that particular trait with me, they don’t share my mindset. I’m grown up – I have a job and everything. I think deeply about things, I have wants and needs that transcends alcohol and video games, and instead of waiting for my space ship, I’m out getting what I figure I deserve. Getting what I deserve on one level – good job, security, peace of mind – a bunch of tangible shit that really doesn’t do anything for me.

Here’s a good explanation, I wrote this in a survey a few days ago…

“I believe that natural law, evolution, systematic perpetual design, ultimately dictate everything – even though we try to use petty means to change that universal fact. Every choice we make, no matter what that choice is, by virtue of the universe allowing it to be made, makes it inherently correct in the larger context. The trick isn’t to always do everything right, it’s to understand what you did, why you did it, and then determine if that’s an act you would like to continue doing.

Nobody’s perfect; and demanding perfection from yourself is an illogical and counterproductive goal that if you could meet, wouldn’t leave you any more fulfilled than just sitting at home doing nothing. Happiness comes from an enlightened belief that when you do something, it’s goal isn’t personal gain – it’s to benefit the world to which we live. Just donating to charity shouldn’t leave you feeling warm; it should leave you feeling shallow and flat. Donating something because you despise suffering and your contempt for it drives you to do something to change it – that’s where happiness stems.

There will be a moment in my life where I’ll know that I have five minutes left perceiving this world before I’ll never breathe another breath or think another thought. When that time comes, and my mind races back to today, I’ll remember that I was young and naive, stupid and gullible – but if I can crease a little smile and think to myself that my life beat the odds that weighted towards failure, then my death will be a celebration; a testimate to my success and attitude. If I can’t, then my death will be a merciful slaying of someone whom I loathed and never wanted to be. Either way, I’ll welcome death – because in either case, death would be a finish line that I spent my life to cross.”

I demand that higher standard for myself, I enjoy the fruits of my labor, and I can see that I have to be happy first before the fluff will in any way enhance that joy. I know how to bust my ass, I know how to outwit and outshine people, I know how to do complex reasoning in a bat of an eye, but when it comes to telling a girl I like that I think she’s beautiful, or that in order to win her over, I’d give up every creature comfort and sleep on the floor just to make sure she never has to want again – I can’t do it. It’s not that I don’t feel it, it’s just that my brain shames my heart, and my heart doesn’t have the power to shove that wrinkly prick to the side and take center stage.

It reminds me of this girl I used to like – we were sitting in my apartment once watching The Weakest Link, a game show to which I excel at, and in the midst of my interrupting Anne’s monotone questions with a right answer, she asked me to rate her from 1 to 10.

I got that particular question wrong, and here’s the thought process that seemed like it would work at the time.

10!

Wait, that’s too obvious… choose a lower number.

9! – Wait, that seems like you’re a liar, just trying to impressive.

5 – No, I’d like to interface with her at some point.

… she’s waiting…

UHHHH! Um… Well, uhhhh…

“7?”

“…High 8?”

Good job, chief – really pulled together on that one – nice team effort.

Hey, I never claimed to be great at everything I do – Just the stuff that others suck at.

Needless to say, that one went right through the floor – and even though she was slightly crazy, I was still infatuated with her. Never truly got over that one either…

Back to Andi…

I have these feelings for her that I really have a hard time placing my finger on. I’m sure it’ll come to me – but right now, I really don’t know. When I’m away from her, and I’m talking more along the lines of when I was hanging out with her every single day, I’d do anything in the world just to know if she has any feelings for me. I was driving her home yesterday, after not seeing her for a few months, and the entire car-ride she was playing with my phone, copying my default pictures to hers. I couldn’t help looking over at her, thinking about the conversation we had earlier on, and just thinking that if I started right that second, at some point I could give her anything she ever wanted.

I know I have some issues (forgetting about a crush for four months and picking it up right where I left off on a moments notice being one of them), and really – I try to work with them the best I can, but I want to love somebody, you know – truly love somebody. Sometimes I think it’s totally beyond me, like it’s a state of zen that I can’t ever attain because every time I start, my zen train derails and I roll back to this penile kid because I’m afraid that if I show her how I feel, She’ll never talk to me again. Is it fear of failing? Is it because I know I’m a dork loser with delusions of granger?

Sometimes I don’t even know if I’m really, truly, feeling this shit – or if it’s just my mind trying to cope with something bigger, and I use these kind of things as a crutch to avoid the bigger issue. I flat don’t know anymore – on the one hand, I’m envied by most everyone I know, professionally successful, other bullshit that I don’t consider important but other people do – on the other hand, I’m just this kid who tries to wrap his head around a world he only began to want to be apart of. I want to change, but looking around – I can’t even figure out where I should begin.

Maybe that’s the problem – I want to get started on things that most people I know are already well on their way to mastering, and there’s too many avenues and it’s already feeling like crunch time. I feel like if I start down the wrong path, I’ll never get it right, but while I’m considering my options – the race is already half over. Maybe I just need a good shrink…

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